#so I recommend you look at the source material

[kiyomitakada]

hi everyone so ages ago i translated watari's diary from the movie tie-in material L File No. 15 (sourced from this post by @mikami) but i just realized i never posted it here?? of all places??? so here you go! i recommend reading this translation along with the screenshots from that post since there are pictures that i did not bother actually including.

(spoilers for the live action films!)

---

QUILLISH WAMMY'S DIARY

The following diary was included in the discovered files. It is thought to have been written by Quillish Wammy (who is said to have gone by "Watari" while acting as L's intermediary), but as with the previous files, it contains information of dubious veracity.

May 7, 1973

Recently, I find myself thinking idle thoughts.

The metal I invented, which is superconducting under 28.7°C, is now used in 87% of electrical cables worldwide. It has brought me great wealth. Too much to know what to do with, I feel. No matter how much money I accumulate, there is no way to buy a human life, so I can't imagine any interesting way I could spend it.

May 12, 1973

Today, I had a revelation.

My talents mainly skew towards the sciences, and there are many things I can do with them, but also many things I cannot. But what if I use my wealth and my enthusiasm to raise new talents? Then there will certainly be one or two who can achieve things I cannot. Extremely interesting. To what extent can humans cultivate their talents? This is what I should dedicate the rest of my life to finding out.

I will gather children with talent and intelligence from all over the world — the brain develops very quickly from ages 9 to 13, so children around that age range should work best — and educate them thoroughly. Eventually, I believe, they will be able to change the world. Perhaps I will call the institution Wammy's House.

[Notes on the children]

F: Strong sense of justice, and quick to action — which is why he can make mistakes.

R: Has recently shown interest in astronomy. Has fallen asleep while looking through a telescope before, and thus contracted a cold. Twice.

K: Talented in multiple fields. Has perfectly understood almost everything I teach. I have not yet determined which area she is most skilled in — very exciting.

*1 (T/N: shaky translation): Many researchers have reason to believe members of Wammy's House are referred to by single letters of the alphabet. However, there is no consensus as to what extent these nicknames were used. Some suggest only Quillish Wammy and the person themselves recognized the nickname.

February 23, 1987

Today, I have learned a lesson. Sometimes an overly nurtured talent goes beyond the will of the person who nurtured it. [T/N: I genuinely can't tell if he's talking about the kid raising their talent or Watari raising the kid] K has left Wammy's House of her own volition. This is the first time something like this has happened since I founded Wammy's House. I feel a strong sense of loss.

---

[Notes on the children, 2]

D: Mainly talented in physics. Frequently smashes radio-controlled models, possibly to conduct their own experiments. The degree of destruction is being monitored.

P: Often found with their nose buried in a novel. I think I will try teaching them psychology once they are a little older. It would be nice if they showed some interest in profiling.

L: Invests in stocks. Clearly talented, but so far an unknown variable.

July 10, 1994

Currently, out of all the children, L holds most of my interest.

While he does show interest in existing fields of study, he is even more enthusiastic about using his own methods (adjacent to statistics) to make deductions. Right now, he is spending the most time on criminal investigations. He is working against actual human beings, which is why the cases are so complex and difficult to unravel… He seems immensely fascinated by this.

L, when in pursuit of an objective, is able to immediately determine the necessary information. L. You are my hope.

August 13, 2005

L has selected FBI agent Naomi Misora for the Los Angeles B.B. Murder Cases. It seems he did so in recognition of her bravery and deductive abilities. L dislikes unnecessary physical exertion, since he wants to keep his mind functioning as quickly as possible. Thus, he has to rely on others to act as his agents on the scene. Naomi is reliable.

[A photo of Naomi, along with the text:]

Naomi Misora FBI Investigator Achieved investigator status unusually quickly Specialty: Marksmanship Intelligent and passionate

---

February 26, 2006

I was present at an ICPO conference today. The focus was exclusively on the "Kira case." Criminals all over the world are dying of simultaneous heart attacks. Some members of the public might call this "judgment," but it is murder. L is very intrigued by this new type of crime.

*2: The Kira case, as detailed in the other files, refers to the phenomenon where criminals globally die of simultaneous heart attacks. Rumors flew around the Internet claiming that "'Kira' is our savior and carries out justice," and the name was attached to the phenomenon even though this was not actually proven yet. Since the case affected the entire world and was growing in momentum rapidly, the ICPO's response was necessarily rushed.

March 2, 2006

It seems Naomi Misora and Raye Iwamatsu are now engaged. They are planning to hold the ceremony in Japan. Naomi says she is retiring from the FBI. That took me by surprise.

I am unsure how L feels about Naomi's decision, but he has chosen her for his plan to make contact with Kira. Raye will be the driver. I'm sure Naomi will carry out the plan perfectly. Yes, L's choice is correct. But making a bride approach a murderer… making her groom drive her there…

L. That calmness in you is what I hoped for, what I raised. Still. Is hesitation not an option for you?

March 10, 2006

It's been raining since morning. It's coming down in sheets. I haven't seen such weather for a long time.

L believes there is a 97% probability Kira is in Japan, so we are headed there. Even so… Why did L say something like that? He never says things so sentimental, so unsettling… Could it be that he can see something I can't even imagine lurking in the future of this case? L, why did you say, "I might not be able to come back?" You are only in charge of directing the investigation. There's no reason to think you will come face to face with danger.

The lesson I learned from K is once again swirling in my head. Sometimes an overly nurtured talent will go somewhere I cannot follow…

L. Tell me you weren't thinking straight. Please. Tell me it was just the rain.

---

April 1, 2006

The twelve FBI agents who L ordered to tail the families and associates of the Japanese police have all died simultaneously of heart attacks. …Including Raye Iwamatsu… It was a shock, considering the pattern up to now, that Kira would kill so many human beings who weren't criminals. I think L wasn't able to predict it either.

I tried expressing my condolences to Naomi Misora over the phone, but I couldn't reach her. I am worried.

April 2, 2006

L met the Japanese investigators in person. Starting from now, he will work together with them to advance the investigation. L has never shown his real face to anyone before now. I can feel his anxiety about this case radiating off this decision. Or perhaps it's impatience?

L asked them to call him Ryuzaki.

[Notes on the Japanese investigators]

Soichiro Yagami: Chief of the task force assigned to the "Kira case." Overflowing with a particularly Japanese sense of justice. Trustworthy.

Ukita

Aizawa

Sanami: The only woman on the investigation team. A little too kind.

Mogi

Matsuda: A hot-headed young man. Slightly too presumptuous.

---

April 11, 2006

L is fixated on Light Yagami. He says that the probability of Light being Kira is only around 1% to 3%, but from his behavior, I can't help but think it must be higher. But although I suppose Light is decently intelligent, he's nothing more than a regular college student. To even consider the possibility of him being a mass murderer, there has to be some additional factor — an inconceivable one.

What is it?

Are we fighting against something entirely new?

[A photo of Light, along with the text:]

Light Yagami Student majoring in law at To-Oh University. A prodigy — he has already passed the bar exam. Hates to lose; focuses on winning in everything. His father is the chief of the task force, Soichiro Yagami.

[Memo so I don't forget my orders]

An emergency order from L. Written below so I don't make a single mistake.

Macarons (DALLOMIU) x 12 boxes

Marshmallows (MEIGI-YA) x 12 bags

Donuts (Donkin Donuts) x 12 bags

Black tea (F and N) x 12 cans

Potato chips (Golbee) (specifically BBQ flavor) x 2 bags

[T/N: The potato chips are the type Light eats in The Chip Scene — they're consomme in the original Japanese (both manga and diary) but BBQ in the Viz translation, which I'm going with.]

*3: The Donkin Donuts company shut down all its stores in Japan in 1998. Therefore, this memo conflicts with the range of time in which L and Quillish Wammy were thought to be in Japan. Whether this is a mistake on Wammy's part or an indication that the diary is of unreliable origin is still a topic of discussion.

April 15, 2006

I think the incomprehensibility of what happened today will stay with me for the rest of my life. Naomi Misora shot herself. It was after she told L, "I'll use my own life to prove that Light Yagami is Kira." But Naomi wasn't able to prove anything.

She must have, in her own way, found something confirming her theory. Considering her actions up to now, she wouldn't have made such a declaration without some kind of proof. But she took Light's girlfriend hostage at the museum. She killed her. And then she took her own life. Why would she do such a thing?

It wasn't like her. No matter how I think about it, it wasn't like her. She looked almost… confused, right before her death. Not like Naomi at all.

[Photo of Shiori, a movie-only character!]

Shiori Akino Student majoring in law at To-Oh University. Dating Light Yagami. Possesses a strong sense of justice and articulates her ideals clearly. Postscript: Was shot and killed by Naomi Misora at the Oumei Museum of Art.

*4: Naomi Misora's murder of Shiori Akino and subsequent suicide is the greatest mystery of this case. As Quillish Wammy wrote here, the question "Why did Naomi kill Shiori?" is still entirely unexplained; some have even proposed that it had no connection to the Kira case at all. Also, in regards to Shiori, it bears mentioning that some believe she was dating Light Yagami while others believe they were simply classmates.

---

April 18, 2006

The construction of the Kira Response Building is complete. We will be moving the investigation headquarters there.

[Memo with cutouts so I don't forget]

[T/N: As you can see in the Tumblr screenshots, this page of the diary is entirely filled with cutouts from advertisements showing different parts of L's outfit.]

[picture of jeans]: The feeling of a new working style, a dominating sense of existence — Loose silhouette, straight frame. Its special characteristic is the five pockets it boasts on the front. Two of the pockets are integrated into the seams on the sides for a working-style taste. There is an adjuster in the back so you can adjust the size slightly.

[T/N: I tried for ages to figure out if this meant 5 or 7 pockets total, and then I decided accurate translation of an advertisement for jeans in the tie-in material for a movie spinoff for a 2000s manga wasn't worth this effort.] [No offense, L.]

[picture of sneakers]: A strong impact! Each step brimming with confidence — These shoes are made with the ripstop fabric used in military wear. It won't tear, no matter how much you wear the shoes out. Additionally, the camo pattern is piece-dyed with black and deliberately scuffed, giving it a tasteful finished look.

[picture of white sweater]: It looks good in any season: a must buy item — Silhouette is loose enough to hide the lines of your body. The neckline is also loose, so wearing it is a delightfully relaxed experience. The white color has outstanding compatibility with denim.

[picture of Hyottoko mask] Hyottoko mask

[doodle of white bag]

[picture of a chessboard] CHESS: The definitive version of the battle of minds

---

April 29, 2006

An individual calling themselves "the Second Kira" has sent video tapes to TV stations. Their patterns are clearly different from those of the Kira who has acted up to now. According to L's theory, while the previous Kira needed a face and a name for the murder, this Kira only needs to see someone's face to kill them.

Also, Light Yagami is now part of the task force. Light can't forgive Kira for taking his girlfriend's life. He's burning with determination to solve the case. He really is a smart teenager.

I wonder which L feels more for him: sympathy or competitiveness. Even I can't tell.

*5: In this time period, there were several unexplainable events, documented by the news and TV broadcasts in Japan at the time. For example, several police officers died of sudden heart attacks near the doorstep of the TV station that was broadcasting a message from the person claiming to be "the Second Kira" (including a detective whose name appeared in the earlier "Notes on the Japanese investigators"). It is thought that L's theory that "this Kira only needs to see someone's face [...]," as documented by Quillish Wammy above, was based on this incident.

May 11, 2006

Misa Amane has been arrested under suspicion of being the Second Kira. She is in confinement. The Japanese investigators seem somewhat opposed to this method. L is feeling cornered. It makes me anxious.

[Photo of Misa Amane, smiling in a sleeveless skull-and-crossbones shirt]

Misa Amane Idol There was an advertisement on the bus for fashion magazines with her on their covers. She seems to be a rather well-known figure in Japan.

Postscript: I have acquired Misa's photo albums, CDs, and DVDs as evidence. I passed them to L. L has not informed me of any new data from this analysis, but he has been playing the CD.

---

June 2, 2006

L announced to the investigators that "as of now, I have concluded that Light Yagami and Misa Amane are not Kira."

Light will still stay in the Kira Response Building to help with the investigation. L has accepted this. Could it be that L has recognized that someone else is on his level for the first time? I am happy for him, but also have complicated feelings about this. Is it possible that Light has become L's first-ever friend?

June 9, 2006

The Kira murders continue. L has been chewing his nails more often lately.

L, you should already know this: you do not need to carry the burden of all the world's crimes on your shoulders.

June 26, 2006

Light Yagami's theory may be our breakthrough in the case. His line of investigation has turned up a name: a Sakura TV newscaster, Kiyomi Takada.

[Photo of Kiyomi Takada, smiling placidly on a news channel, hands folded together]

Kiyomi Takada Newscaster for Sakura TV

She became the current face of the news channel EVENING SPOT after her predecessor Saeko Nishiyama's sudden death in a car accident. She quickly began hosting segments supporting Kira. She lives alone in a condo within the city.

---

June 30, 2006

You could say my scientific skills have started to rust, but as an inventor who tries to always think things through logically, I am feeling bewildered. There are "Shinigami," gods of death, who exist in this world. The Shinigami each carry a notebook, which is called a "Death Note." And the human whose name is written in the Death Note will die.

What on Earth? We've been up against Shinigami this whole time?

L was shocked. Unusual for him. But when I saw that surprise on his face, I actually felt relieved. At least Wammy's House — my creation — has not taken the capability for shock away from him.

Death Note: How to Use (Rules) — a partial excerpt

[T/N: Translations mostly copied from the Death Note wiki, with minor edits]

The human whose name is written in this note shall die.

If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds (in human-realm units) of writing the person's name, it will happen.

If the cause of death is not specified, the human will simply die of a heart attack.

After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds.

If the time of death is written within 40 seconds after writing the cause of death — even if the cause of death is a heart attack — the time of death can be manipulated, and the death can go into effect even less than 40 seconds after writing the name.

The note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.

The owner of the note can shorten their own life by using the note.

Even someone who does not own the note can use it by writing a name and thinking of a face, with the same effect as if they were the owner of the note.

After a name is written in the note, it cannot be changed.

The time of death written in the note must be within 23 days (in human-realm units).

July 3, 2006

Misa Amane has been released from the Kira Response Building.

July 4, 2006

The strange situation of a Shinigami coming in and out of the Kira Response Building has continued. I can't help but feel restless seeing a huge, white silhouette wandering about. This Shinigami is not cooperating with us, but isn't trying to hinder us either, it seems.

There have been multiple persistent calls for L to assist with the investigation into Princess Joan's overturned yacht. But L seems uninterested in any other cases right now. I have filed the investigation requests where he won't see them.

---

July 7, 2006

[This entry was translated here by @lunalit-river. I'll copy it over, but please show some love to the original post!]

L.

Was this the outcome of giving you the opportunity to learn? Was it arrogant of me to think that I had given you everything you needed? A genius without parents or relatives, without food or education, a genius who may have had a miserable past. Was I wrong?

L wrote his name in the Death Note.

Was this all for victory? Was this all for justice?

To fight something supernatural like the Death Note, it is true that we must arm ourselves with something that is also beyond human understanding.

It is highly possible that Light Yagami will write L's name in the Death Note. In theory, L must write his name in the Death Note first to prevent Light from doing so.

But don't human emotions have a tendency to refuse to accept the truth and instead hope to twist logic and theory?

L. Don't you ever place your emotions prior to your goals?

L. I never meant for things to end this way. Your talent has surpassed mine, and now you are consuming yourself. But I…

Today I learned F's death. Am I about to lose you, too? I have never felt so powerless as I do now.

L. I am confused. When I established Wammy's House, I might not have anticipated this.

I learned a lot from being with you, L, just as parents learn a lot from their children.

L. Just one sentence is enough. Please tell me you want to live.

L. L…

July 7, 2006

L Lawliet Heart failure Dies 23 days from now, peacefully, in his sleep

---

July 10, 2006

This is the end of the case, isn't it? Everything has been arranged. I will bring Misa to headquarters, and as long as Soichiro Yagami and the other Japanese investigators do as L says, everything should go perfectly. Tonight, the Kira case will be solved.

I have learned from L, who moves towards his goal still, indifferent in the face of death. I too will not waver.

L still has 20 days left. I'll spend them with him. Not because of everything I gave him in his lifetime, but because of everything I deprived him of. I can devote all my time to him now.

L, what do you want to do? You can play silly games, if you want. You can go make friends. If you don't mind my old age, I would gladly be your friend. Or your

Do you want to see sights you've never seen before? Do you want to feel breezes you've never felt? [T/N: He switches to polite speech just for this paragraph. Back to regular now.]

Get up from that way you always sit; let's go outside. Everything I took from you — the small, the inconsequential, the boring things — and the beautiful, dear ones too: let's go find them together. It's okay if you don't have any conclusions to draw. I just want you to have fun. To love the world in front of you. To savor it.

L. That's right. Just like a father and son on holiday.

I've been writing in this diary for forty years. I think I will stop in twenty days. I can't imagine anything I would want to write about, anything I should write about, would happen after that.

Alright. I'd better go and bring Misa over.

This is where the diary ends. The Kira case has been dormant ever since the last entry here.

[jay-birbs-can-draw]

Totally silly not spooky at all (well I created it so I guess I wouldn’t think so) depiction of ‘Optimus’ in @lets-try-some-writing’s silly little Forbidden Sight fic

My promise has been fulfilled

Also I’m finally on summer break!!

[wordstome]

how c.ai works and why it's unethical

Okay, since the AI discourse is happening again, I want to make this very clear, because a few weeks ago I had to explain to a (well meaning) person in the community how AI works. I'm going to be addressing people who are maybe younger or aren't familiar with the latest type of "AI", not people who purposely devalue the work of creatives and/or are shills.

The name "Artificial Intelligence" is a bit misleading when it comes to things like AI chatbots. When you think of AI, you think of a robot, and you might think that by making a chatbot you're simply programming a robot to talk about something you want them to talk about, and it's similar to an rp partner. But with current technology, that's not how AI works. For a breakdown on how AI is programmed, CGP grey made a great video about this several years ago (he updated the title and thumbnail recently)

I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend you watch this because CGP Grey is good at explaining, but the tl;dr for this post is this: bots are made with a metric shit-ton of data. In C.AI's case, the data is writing. Stolen writing, usually scraped fanfiction.

How do we know chatbots are stealing from fanfiction writers? It knows what omegaverse is [SOURCE] (it's a Wired article, put it in incognito mode if it won't let you read it), and when a Reddit user asked a chatbot to write a story about "Steve", it automatically wrote about characters named "Bucky" and "Tony" [SOURCE].

I also said this in the tags of a previous reblog, but when you're talking to C.AI bots, it's also taking your writing and using it in its algorithm: which seems fine until you realize 1. They're using your work uncredited 2. It's not staying private, they're using your work to make their service better, a service they're trying to make money off of.

"But Bucca," you might say. "Human writers work like that too. We read books and other fanfictions and that's how we come up with material for roleplay or fanfiction."

Well, what's the difference between plagiarism and original writing? The answer is that plagiarism is taking what someone else has made and simply editing it or mixing it up to look original. You didn't do any thinking yourself. C.AI doesn't "think" because it's not a brain, it takes all the fanfiction it was taught on, mixes it up with whatever topic you've given it, and generates a response like in old-timey mysteries where somebody cuts a bunch of letters out of magazines and pastes them together to write a letter.

(And might I remind you, people can't monetize their fanfiction the way C.AI is trying to monetize itself. Authors are very lax about fanfiction nowadays: we've come a long way since the Anne Rice days of terror. But this issue is cropping back up again with BookTok complaining that they can't pay someone else for bound copies of fanfiction. Don't do that either.)

Bottom line, here are the problems with using things like C.AI:

It is using material it doesn't have permission to use and doesn't credit anybody. Not only is it ethically wrong, but AI is already beginning to contend with copyright issues.

C.AI sucks at its job anyway. It's not good at basic story structure like building tension, and can't even remember things you've told it. I've also seen many instances of bots saying triggering or disgusting things that deeply upset the user. You don't get that with properly trigger tagged fanworks.

Your work and your time put into the app can be taken away from you at any moment and used to make money for someone else. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people who use AI panic about accidentally deleting a bot that they spent hours conversing with. Your time and effort is so much more stable and well-preserved if you wrote a fanfiction or roleplayed with someone and saved the chatlogs. The company that owns and runs C.AI can not only use whatever you've written as they see fit, they can take your shit away on a whim, either on purpose or by accident due to the nature of the Internet.

DON'T USE C.AI, OR AT THE VERY BARE MINIMUM DO NOT DO THE AI'S WORK FOR IT BY STEALING OTHER PEOPLES' WORK TO PUT INTO IT. Writing fanfiction is a communal labor of love. We share it with each other for free for the love of the original work and ideas we share. Not only can AI not replicate this, but it shouldn't.

(also, this goes without saying, but this entire post also applies to ai art)

[annabelle--cane]

"the magnus protocol had a whole ARG beforehand? what?"

yes! it did!

"oh so I need to have participated in this whole big thing to actually understand the podcast?"

not at all! from the official post-mortem put out by RQ, "while the ARG was not something that was necessary to participate in to understand the magnus protocol, it was designed to contain a wealth of background story and context that would enrich any player's listening experience."

"a wealth of background context that would enrich my listening experience 👀👀👀 how can I learn about this?"

SO glad you asked. sadly, many of the materials made for the arg have been taken down since the game ended 😔 (ex., the official OIAR, magnus institute, and bonzoland websites. (edit ii: I found partial wayback machine captures! see below) though @strangehauntsuk is still up!), so we're a bit low on primary sources, but in terms of learning about what happened:

for a starting point, I would really recommend this video by @pinkelotjeart

it's super accessible, it was made in real time as the game progressed and follows the solving and revelation of clues as they happened, it hits all the major points of the mystery and moments of community insanity while eliding some of the nitty gritty puzzle grinding, 10/10 would recommend.

here's the official summary put out by RQ, and I'd recommend reading through this once you've already gotten a basic handle on the flow of the story and the basic connections between major clues and events. it's got some fun behind-the-scenes info and lays out the thought process behind the puzzles in simple terms

here's the full masterdoc of all puzzles and resolutions put together in the statement remains discord server. masterdoc my absolute BELOVED, masterdoc my bethrothed, masterdoc my soul mate. I'd recommend this as a second port of call after the above video as it either contains all details about the puzzles or links to other expanded docs that do.

here's the narrative summary doc that lays out all the plot and lore discovered in three pages of plain prose. if you just want to get to the good bits as fast as you can and get blasted directly in the face by contextless lore bombs, this is the doc for you. if you don't want to start with the video, I'd say this is another good entry point.

once you've got the lay of the land, some of the game materials that I found particularly interesting include:

the in-universe east germany expat usenet forum, with all content translated into english. most of it is irrelevant space filler with occasional extremely sus lore, but I still found it fun to read through. love to soak in some fictional forum drama.

chdb.xlsx, the spreadsheet of the names of all the children the protocol 'verse magnus institute was studying/experimenting on. EDIT: here is a version of the sheet without any annotations and with all of the names in their original order, kudos to @theboombutton for catching that the commonly shared copy had the order swapped around.

klaus.xls, a (very corrupted) spreadsheet with what looks like the classifications of a bunch of old OIAR cases.

EDIT: have a few more saved materials from the game that I forgot to include.

an in-universe audio ad to apply to the OIAR that ran before archives episodes and kicked off the whole game.

an in-universe video ad to apply to the OIAR, this one is an official upload that's still up from the game itself. you can subscribe to the OIAR's official youtube channel today, if you so chose.

the robo-voicemail greeting from the OIAR's phone line.

EDIT II:

here is a wayback machine capture of the OIAR's official website.

here is a wayback machine capture of the bonzoland website.

(pretty sure both of the above captures just archived the home pages, though I haven't tried clicking all of the links. I'd say they're still worth looking at, the home pages give a good window into the vibes.)

once you start poking around in these documents, you'll find a bunch of links to others with further information, the materials I've included here just contain what I feel to be the most relevant details to getting a broad feel for the whole game. once again, huge shout out to the statement remains server, I was barely in there as the ARG was in progress and only ducked my head in every so often to find links like these. true mvps of the fandom.

[ryin-silverfish]

So You Want to Read More about Chinese Mythos: a rough list of primary sources

"How/Where can I learn more about Chinese mythology?" is a question I saw a lot on other sites, back when I was venturing outside of Shenmo novel booksphere and into IRL folk religions + general mythos, but had rarely found satisfying answers.

As such, this is my attempt at writing something past me will find useful.

(Built into it is the assumption that you can read Chinese, which I only realized after writing the post. I try to amend for it by adding links to existing translations, as well as links to digitalized Chinese versions when there doesn't seem to be one.)

The thing about all mythologies and legends is that they are 1) complicated, and 2) are products of their times. As such, it is very important to specify the "when" and "wheres" and "what are you looking for" when answering a question as broad as this.

-Do you want one or more "books with an overarching story"?

In that case, Journey to the West and Investiture of the Gods (Fengshen Yanyi) serve as good starting points, made more accessible for general readers by the fact that they both had English translations——Anthony C. Yu's JTTW translation is very good, Gu Zhizhong's FSYY one, not so much.

Crucially, they are both Ming vernacular novels. Though they are fictional works that are not on the same level of "seriousness" as actual religious scriptures, these books still took inspiration from the popular religion of their times, at a point where the blending of the Three Teachings (Buddhism, Daoism, Confucianism) had become truly mainstream.

And for FSYY specifically, the book had a huge influence on subsequent popular worship because of its "pantheon-building" aspect, to the point of some Daoists actually putting characters from the novel into their temples.

(Vernacular novels + operas being a medium for the spread of popular worship and popular fictional characters eventually being worshipped IRL is a thing in Ming-Qing China. Meir Shahar has a paper that goes into detail about the relationship between the two.)

After that, if you want to read other Shenmo novels, works that are much less well-written but may be more reflective of Ming folk religions at the time, check out Journey to the North/South/East (named as such bc of what basically amounted to a Ming print house marketing strategy) too.

-Do you want to know about the priestly Daoist side of things, the "how the deities are organized and worshipped in a somewhat more formal setting" vs "how the stories are told"?

Though I won't recommend diving straight into the entire Daozang or Yunji Qiqian or some other books compiled in the Daoist text collections, I can think of a few "list of gods/immortals" type works, like Liexian Zhuan and Zhenling Weiye Tu.

Also, though it is much closer to the folk religion side than the organized Daoist side, the Yuan-Ming era Grand Compendium of the Three Religions' Deities, aka Sanjiao Soushen Daquan, is invaluable in understanding the origins and evolutions of certain popular deities.

(A quirk of historical Daoist scriptures is that they often come up with giant lists of gods that have never appeared in other prior texts, or enjoy any actual worship in temples.)

(The "organized/folk" divide is itself a dubious one, seeing how both state religion and "priestly" Daoism had channels to incorporate popular deities and practices into their systems. But if you are just looking at written materials, I feel like there is still a noticeable difference.)

Lastly, if you want to know more about Daoist immortal-hood and how to attain it: Ge Hong's Baopuzi (N & S. dynasty) and Zhonglv Chuandao Ji (late Tang/Five Dynasties) are both texts about external and internal alchemy with English translations.

-Do you want something older, more ancient, from Warring States and Qin-Han Era China?

Classics of Mountains and Seas, aka Shanhai Jing, is the way to go. It also reads like a bestiary-slash-fantastical cookbook, full of strange beasts, plants, kingdoms of unusual humanoids, and the occasional half-man, half-beast gods.

A later work, the Han-dynasty Huai Nan Zi, is an even denser read, being a collection of essays, but it's also where a lot of ancient legends like "Nvwa patches the sky" and "Chang'e steals the elixir of immortality" can be first found in bits and pieces.

Shenyi Jing might or might not be a Northern-Southern dynasties work masquerading as a Han one. It was written in a style that emulated the Classics of Mountains and Seas, and had some neat fantastic beasts and additional descriptions of gods/beasts mentioned in the previous 2 works.

-Do you have too much time on your hands, a willingness to get through lot of classical Chinese, and an obsession over yaoguais and ghosts?

Then it's time to flip open the encyclopedic folklore compendiums——Soushen Ji (N/S dynasty), You Yang Za Zu (Tang), Taiping Guangji (early Song), Yijian Zhi (Southern Song)...

Okay, to be honest, you probably can't read all of them from start to finish. I can't either. These aren't purely folklore compendiums, but giant encyclopedias collecting matters ranging from history and biography to medicine and geography, with specific sections on yaoguais, ghosts and "strange things that happened to someone".

As such, I recommend you only check the relevant sections and use the Full Text Search function well.

Pu Songling's Strange Tales from a Chinese Studios, aka Liaozhai Zhiyi, is in a similar vein, but a lot more entertaining and readable. Together with Yuewei Caotang Biji and Zi Buyu, they formed the "Big Three" of Qing dynasty folktale compendiums, all of which featured a lot of stories about fox spirits and ghosts.

Lastly...

The Yuan-Ming Zajus (a sort of folk opera) get an honorable mention. Apart from JTTW Zaju, an early, pre-novel version of the story that has very different characterization of SWK, there are also a few plays centered around Erlang (specifically, Zhao Erlang) and Nezha, such as "Erlang Drunkenly Shot the Demon-locking Mirror". Sadly, none of these had an English translation.

Because of the fragmented nature of Chinese mythos, you can always find some tidbits scattered inside history books like Zuo Zhuan or poetry collections like Qu Yuan's Chuci. Since they aren't really about mythology overall and are too numerous to cite, I do not include them in this post, but if you wanna go down even deeper in this already gigantic rabbit hole, it's a good thing to keep in mind.

[occamstfs]

Evo Bio 101

Annoyed at the prospect of wasting time during his simple lectures, Craig's misplaced ambitions lead to a first hand lesson in (d)evolutionary biology.

Was possessed by the idea and couldn't not write it haha! Here's a story taking hair growth and brutification to the extreme ! Hope you enjoy! -Occam

It’s not that Craig didn’t want to teach the class, he was grateful to have a chance to instruct on anything even remotely close to his research area. Intro to Evolutionary Biology was directly in his wheelhouse and given how cutthroat his department was he was more than happy to jump at the chance.

It’s just- the class was so introductory it’s insulting. The course is required for all students in the university’s tiny biological anthropology program and judging by the recommended syllabus given to him by the department head, there’s not a day where Craig is going to teach his students anything they don’t already know.

Complaining under his breath as he makes his way to the classroom across campus, the doctoral candidate wonders if any of his undergraduates are even going to show up given how remedial the material seems. Kicking the air he wishes to himself that he’ll get the chance to teach them something novel. To show them what their field is all about, how man became man rather than droll lectures on Darwin’s finches and Mendel’s peas.

As soon as he utters the words to no one he shivers and his skin prickles with goosebumps before he fully stumbles over himself just outside the classroom door. There’s a quiet buzzing in the air and he looks around to find its source before noticing the time on an overhead clock and realizing he’s already late. Bumbling into the classroom he adjusts his tie and apologizes as he rushes to get his laptop set up.

“Sorry guys! Always forget these dinky 101 courses are relegated to the middle of nowhere,” there are a few quiet laughs but the lecturer is sure they’re just trying to appease him. He knows because he’s laughed at countless half-jokes from professors over the years. Craig continues to awkwardly mumble to the class as he waits for his equipment to bootup. After getting his introductory powerpoint running he wipes his brow and for the first time turns to look at his small class.

It’s then that he notices how warm it is in the room. Wiping his forehead, his stuffy sleeve wicks sweat from his brow and he assumes it’s just from nerves at standing in front of the bored faces of students who have done nothing today but go over reading lists and play icebreakers. Might as well get this over with. “Welcome all to the intro course on Evolutionary Biology! I’ll be your instructor, Craig Stoll. See a few familiar faces around here from courses I’ve TAed, you guys can just call me Craig. I assume this is no one’s first rodeo-” 

Craig opens his mouth to slyly complain about how basic the material is, to mock the university requiring people well on their way to becoming experts in the field to waste time going over the most absolute basics. But before he can speak, it’s like his throat has been zapped free of moisture. He tries to clear his throat a couple times, stretching open his mouth in between doing so as he struggles in front of his few students. 

Smiling awkwardly as his forehead sweats even heavier under the bright lights above the lectern he turns and digs through his bag for the water bottle that scarcely leaves his side. Still turned away from the class he forces it to his lips and guzzles for a few seconds straight. After a moment he pauses and breathes heavily for a few seconds, gasping for air just as hungrily as he was gulping for water, and then he gets right back to it. Lifting the bottle perpendicular to the Earth as he drinks like he’s dying of thirst.

All students present eye him apprehensively, most of them had seen him countless times over the years sitting performatively uptight as he graded assignments and aided professors as needed. Never could they imagine him doing something so uncouth. One sophomore whispers to her neighbor, Dawson, concerned at how nervous the researcher seems. He replies mocking Craig, excited to see the meek man who gave him a 79 on a final last semester crash and burn.

Letting his bottle fall away once more there isn’t a thought in his mind questioning how peculiar what just happened was. He was thirsty, and now he no longer is. Simple. Craig turns back with a wide smile at his classroom clearing his throat once more this time successfully. He doesn’t notice how his voice echoes through the lecture hall, decidedly deeper than it should be, “Ahh, that’s better! Sorry again y’all!” 

In the front row a student motions for him to wipe his face as water is clearly dripping down his ever-so-slightly shadowed jaw. Craig’s face burns red as he does so, for the first time realizing himself that he’s acting a tad strange. This is only more apparent as he feels a burp begin to rise. He did drink that water awfully fast. Before the thought even occurs to him to silence it he lets it loose, producing the loudest burp he’s ever heard. Stunning the classroom to silence.

Even the student eager to watch Craig fail was shocked enough to grimace in second hand embarrassment as he sees the man’s eyes dull while burping like an animal in front of his class before scrambling back to his senses. “Oh jeez, I don’t know what’s gotten into me today- Let’s just, uhm, get to it.”

Directing his class’ attention to the slides he squirms and adjusts his tie with sweaty palms as he realizes how uncomfortable his clothes feel all of a sudden. Struggling to get the thing loose he grunts and flexes his feet as he suddenly feels confined. Trapped in his shoes. Shaking his head to stay focused he pointedly ignores the feeling of his toes poking the front of his dress shoes and starts lecturing.

Clicking past the introduction his brow furrows as he sees the title of the first slide of substance, ‘What is Evolutionary Biology?’ Grunting once more, Craig scratches his chest as he can’t help but address what he thinks to be the elephant in the room, unaware of the eyes staring at him as his arms seem to be stretching out from their sleeves. Not noticing as his perpetually clean shaven face suddenly begins to sprout stubbly sideburns and a scratchy neckbeard.

No, suddenly the rising anger in his mind can’t help but address how stupid it is that his boss is making him explain to these people essentially majoring in evolutionary biology what those words mean. Clenching his jaw as he yanks the tie from his neck and tosses it to the floor he speaks up, his voice clearly rougher than it was even seconds ago, “This is- You all know what evolutionary biology is, obviously,” his voice cracks deeper as he tries to remove his jacket, ignoring how it gets stuck on arms that have impossibly begun to lengthen. Hanging lower and heavier as he struggles against clothes that suddenly feel like they’re holding him captive. “You all know already!”

He hammers a fist down onto his lectern and hears the sound of his shirt tearing from the back. Students flinch in shock and a few begin to gather their things as Craig stares at his arm. His hand shouldn't be that big. Isn’t that big. Seeing the few thick hairs starting to pepper his bulkier wrists, Craig turns to look down at his chest as it begins to grow, grunting ever deeper he stares as two meaty pecs begin to strain the button-up. 

Hairs poke through the straining placket as they start to spread above the neckline. Every movement sends further sounds of tearing garment through the classroom as Craig tries to understand what he’s seeing. His voice sounds even duller, brutish even as he cries out,  “What goin- What’s, grgh, happening to me-” Thicker fingers yank off his shirt sending sweat and buttons flying into the classroom, freeing pecs that were not there even a minute ago.

Many students begin to flee the classroom as their instructor begins feeling up his chest with hands growing hairier. The student who was initially concerned dials emergency services as she ditches her laptop and begins to race out the door, terrified as Craig’s thickening brows start to just out further from his forehead. The man who was waiting to watch him awkwardly stumble over his words rather than join his fleeing cohort just watches enthralled. Staring at his widening jaw as it is promptly covered with a thick beard. 

Unaware of the small horde of students in flight from his lecture as his newly fat palms cup itching pecs as they grow meatier, Craig groans and apologizes to whoever remains as he leans underneath the small podium to deal with the sharp pain in his shoes. His ass bursts free from his pants, exposing briefs barely holding up and cheeks that are rapidly being decorated by a forest of fur. His wider back bumps into the lectern as he struggles to free his thick feet from shoes that were already a tad too snug. 

Speaking accompanied by the sound of his tearing at leather shoes, Craig tries to continue the lecture in between increasingly common grunts, “So me, unh- I think you uhhh- you know this evo- uhh” The one remaining student, Dawson, begins creeping closer, deadset to see this through to the end. Slowly pulling out his phone and setting it to record what is clearly some impossible miracle of science. Some reversion towards a more primal state, a devolution. Dawson smirks as he imagines how far this will set him ahead in the field.

Craig finds himself suddenly much less preoccupied with said science as he frees his newly hairy feet from their binds, leaving sweat steaming off of their wider soles as they continue to crack larger. Instead, mind leaking intelligence, he begins to drool and quietly grunt to himself as his cock begins to throb. Buried in a bush of thick and curled pubes which are themselves haloed by massive burly thighs, his rougher hands easily claw off his briefs to free his bobbing cock. Dripping with pre he sees veins visibly pulsing as what must be a foreskin begins to encroach towards a head almost purple and pre-covered. 

Dawson sneaks onward, zooming in to capture how Craig’s beard raises higher on his face to meet with the hair on his head growing wild. His eyes flicker across strange bulging muscles on his instructor’s shoulders as they’re rapidly blanketed by a forest of curls thicker than his own pubes. The student's mouth slightly waters as he adjusts the frame to capture the man’s massive hands as he begins to masturbate in the classroom. And then he drops his phone. 

On high alert, the man-no-longer jumps with a start and hits his head on the lectern, guffawing as he rubs the spot he foolishly bumped. Falling to the floor himself, Dawson is torn between fleeing like the rest of his wiser cohort and staring at a living breathing caveman. He can’t resist simply being the first man to witness prehistory. 

Beyond that, Dawson can’t help but stare at the exposed pits of a man he assumed was as smooth as marble. He’s almost possessed, staring at the wild jungle of pit hair that flies free from the brute’s raised arm, dripping with sweat. There are almost visible stink lines as body odor that hasn’t been found on the earth for thousands of millenia begins to fill the room. And the longer he stares, the longer he smells, he begins to lose any will to do anything but submit.

Perhaps it’s simply a biological reaction that Dawson finds himself rooted to the spot, taking in heady breaths of the fetid scent. Why else would his mouth fall open as his cock starts to rise at the sight, Craig speaks up seeing his own remaining pupil sitting there in some state between primal lust and fear. Feeling his cock bob against the podium and seeing himself nude in this clinical classroom, some semblance of self returns to the once-doctoral candidate.

“Dawsugh- Need help. Cra-ug ugh- Crag need help, nowugh” His jaw stings with pain as it widens more, his lips struggling to create sounds he knows he should be able to. As he stares down on the male planted on the ground he feels those bizarre instincts begin to return once more. His skin prickles, back cracking as it compacts while his chest grows wider with every heaving breath. Putting on mass as his mind begins to grow foggy once more.

Crag struggles to stay focused, struggles to remember who he is, what he’s doing. What that strange rectangle is at this lesser man’s feet. But with every precious second his twenty-first century concerns begin to evaporate. Worries about the grind of academia, disdain at being shoehorned into reading powerpoints no one cares to hear, the monotony of driving home in rush hour traffic. Everything begins to fade. Everything that is, besides the need to dominate the hairless, beta man staring at him.

Dawson can scarcely make heads or tails of what happens next as he sees the brute pounce on him. He feels the man’s calloused hands tear at his clothes and lies in repose, waiting for whatever Crag, apparently, is to do next. Desperately wanting fulfillment no man has experienced before. His hands clutch the caveman-apparent’s back, feeling the scratch of hair thicker than man can grow and the bulging sticky muscle beneath. 

Feeling the man’s river of precum dripping down his abs, Dawson begins to feel the prickle of his treasure trail regrowing as his feverish mind realizes his future far too late. Every inch of skin touching the man begins to change likewise. Arms he was never shy of lengthen just as he saw his least favorite TA’s did minutes ago, decorated with hair and bulging larger with thick muscle. 

Even quicker than he witnessed happening to Craig er, Crag, hair begins to engulf him. The concerted efforts towards maintaining his clean-cut appearance is absolutely erased as every inch of his form prickles with thick, dark hair growth. Crag sloppily kisses him and leaves a growing beard in the wake of his tongue. Forearms that have had the lightest coat of blonde peach fuzz erupt with fark jungles of hair before launching even further, coating his increasingly clumsy fingers and biceps twitching stronger with every haphazard movement.

Dawson’s hips reflexively hump into the man dominating him. His changing cock scratches against the man’s essentially fur covered torso which only heightens the student’s rapturous delight and accelerates his transformation. In no time at all the complexities and desires of the life he lived are wiped and replaced by a need to do nothing more than seek sustenance and pleasure. To serve and be served by the Crag who begins to hoist him against a wall and hump.

His handsome face changes, bones restructuring as hands he doesn’t recognize as he clings to Crag who is more monster than man. Feeling his rising cock rubbing against his new alpha’s as it begins to change he knows he is on the fast track to join him. He feels his vocal chords thickening as he cries out in ecstasy, Crag finally claiming what is his. Longer toes burst through tennis shoes, curling on the floor as nails yellow and thicken. 

Dawson’s sharper and larger teeth bite Crag’s shoulder as they continue to frot and fuck. They continue until their sweat and ancient semen coats much of the room, their new balls having apparently quite the short refractory period. When they finally tire or get bored their snores sound loud enough to break glass as they curl up together somewhere behind the podium. Bonded mates of a world that hasn’t existed for hundreds of thousands of years.

Well before the pair were done with consummating their new forms, the whole building was placed on lockdown. Quarantine crews working hastily to contain whatever impossible pathogen has apparently begun to infect the campus. Scientists across the world wait with bated breath from some update on whatever impossible goings on are hidden behind that yellow quarantine tape. Hearing the horrified testimonies of those students that escape does little to sate their curiosities, though it does invite them to be lab rats as scientists watch each and every one of them hoping to observe their own prehistoric changes.

It’s only a matter of time before some foolhardy explorer or researcher desperate for a discovery breaks the seal and finds something they could never be prepared for. Sooner rather than later the mounting need to know will be insurmountable. Sooner rather than later whatever this plague of the past they tried to keep behind lock and key will spread. And then those foolish enough to remain nearby will get a first hand experience on the nature of evolutionary biology. And to think, Craig Stoll was so concerned that nothing of note would come of the course.

[puppiesareperfect]

Book binding 101: Materials

I’ve decided to do a series of posts on how to book-bind since I talk about it a lot, and I think it’s a really fun process. This post will include various inexpensive alternatives to “professional” supplies, many of which you will have at home. Not everyone can afford a cricut and that’s ok! I will also be listing more expensive materials for people who want to invest a bit more into the craft, but they absolutely are not a must.

This first post will focus on a list of supplies you can use to make books, but will not yet get into the instructional part of it. That will come later!

Anyway…

Bookbinding Materials: Essentials

These are items you need to bind, but many you can find around your house!

Sewing thread: Any thread will work for bookbinding, though waxed threads can help reduce tangles. You can also double up thread as another way to prevent tangling if you so choose. Waxed thread is definitely more expensive, so it can be good to use what you have starting out. Here’s a link to the waxed thread I used for those that are interested. You can buy it in a lot of different colors! (White is good if want an “invisible” thread).

Sewing needle: A lot of people say to use a curved needle for binding, but I’ve never found it to be much different from using a regular needle. If you have one, I would recommend a larger needle, however, since it’s better for piercing through signatures (aka the stacks of pages you bind together). In other words: there’s no special needle you need to bind books.

Ruler: I’d recommend any metal ruler since it’s better to use as a straight edge for cutting. There’s a good chance you already have one. It’s just used for measuring and being a straight edge. Nothing fancy.

Paper: Any paper will work. What you wanna use depends on your project really: if you’re binding together a work of text you’ll want to use some kind of printer paper (of course). If you’re making a sketchbook, you can fold up some sketching paper. I like to get sketchbooks with perforated edges so I can tear them out easily if I want to use a blank page for bookbinding. You can also buy large sheets of paper made for any medium. For example, if you want a sheet of water color paper, just search “large watercolor paper sheet”.

Awl (or all alternative): An awl is a tool used to poke sewing holes. It’s nice because it’s sharp and ergonomic, but you can totally also use a pushpin or even a sewing needle.

Bone folder (or a bone folder alternative): A bone folder creates sharp creases when you fold your pages, making them lay flatter. It also helps define the hinge gap on finished books, making it open easier. You can use a ruler if you don’t have one.

PVA glue: PVA glue is what to look out for when it comes to binding glue. There are some designed specifically for bookbinding, which spread out a bit faster than ones that aren’t. You can also use tacky glue which IS a PVA glue.

Book board: Also sometimes called chip board, Davey board, or mat board. This is what you’ll use for hard cover books. It is important to use book board specially, as cardboard will warp. You can buy book board directly, or you can cut the covers off of old textbooks or binders, unwrap the paper/plastic around the board, and use that!

Box cutter or utility knife: for cutting the board

Decorative paper and book cloth: For wrapping around cover boards and for endpapers. Book cloth can also be used to cover boards. You can also draw your own designs on Bristol paper if you want (or any paper with a similar thickness/durability). When it comes to decorative paper I like to either get scrapbook paper or rolls of fancy handmade paper (you can get those on Etsy, through paper source, or through bookbinding websites).

Bookbinding materials: Optional (and not crazy expensive)

These are supplies that you don’t need for binding but that can make the process easier and/or help with the decorative elements of your books. I’d recommend these things for when you’ve been binding for a while and feel these things could be helpful!

Paper trimmer: can cut a few sheets of paper evenly—I find it really helpful for endpapers

Stencils: Super helpful if you want to add text on the covers

Stamps: Good for adding text and also great for adding illustrations if you’re not able to draw them on your own. You can buy ink pads for them or use markers by coloring over the stamp lightly and using the stamp immediately so it doesn’t dry (I’ve tested this with alcohol markers and it works very well)

Paint markers: great for drawing directly on the cover. Since they’re opaque they can imitate the look of vinyl. You can also get them super painterly if you want. The internet usually talks about poscas but there are tons of different brands. Do some research, figure out what you like & can afford.

Hot foil pen & heat transfer foil: Perfect if you want to add foil to your covers but don’t want to spend a ton of money on a cricut. A lot of binders uses the foil quill brand, but there are ones that cost less and work the same (I have both a cheaper one & an actual foil quill because I wanted some nib variation. As long as the pen has good reviews that aren’t from bots you should be good). Also remember: don’t use foil designed for going through laminators (I.e. decofoil) . It doesn’t work the same way.

Bookbinding Materials—Expensive

These are materials I’d recommend for people who have been bookbinding for a while & feel that it’s something they really want to invest in. To be fully transparent, I’m a college student and don’t own these and have little personal experience with them. However, I know a lot of binders who love them!

Cricut machine—Cricuts are cutting machines that can make precise cuts into paper, wood, bookboard, or vinyl. A lot of binders will cut designs out of vinyl and apply them to the covers using a heat press.

Book press—What it sounds like. The pressure helps the pages lay flat and stay even. That being said you can stack heavy books on top of your projects, it just may not have the same even pressure. I also know some people will DIY these, so if you’re skilled with power tools you can give it a go!

Paper guillotine—like a paper trimmer but bigger and can cut more sheets of paper at once. I believe really good ones can also be used to cut bookboard!

Those are all the materials I can think of! Hope this can work as a good starting point for those interested in the craft. I’ll definitely be posting more info about bookbinding for people who are interested :)

-Zoë💗

[dduane]

Okay, now I'm cranky

Not that I even do more than glance at LinkedIn every few weeks or so, as I have friends there. But THIS is beyond the pale. (Or even the Pale, which is another story. Is this actually a real person based in Limerick?? [I have my doubts.) But if so, they should be ashamed.)

(transcription:)

Hi [(theoretical) person whose name I've obscured],

I'm not at all sure why material from your employer is winding up on my feed.

I am a NY Times bestselling novelist and screenwriter with pushing fifty years' experience in traditional publishing and other media created by actual living, breathing beings out of genuine human experience. AI-based prompt "writing" is utterly antithetical to everything I do in my work... especially as it is founded on machine-based excreta derived from routines trained using material illicitly sourced, without our permission, from myself and thousands of my colleagues.

Assuming that you actually exist except as a prompt-based construct yourself (which is by no means certain), please do us both a kindness and remove me immediately from whatever list caused the system to recommend me to you—as if there is a worse possible fit for our two schools of thought anywhere in this solar system, I can't imagine where that might be. (Somewhere in the Oort Cloud, possibly. No other possibilities immediately suggest themselves.)

Meanwhile, I wish you well in your further endeavours (doing you the possibly unwarranted courtesy of assuming that you're real). ANY possible further endeavours that have nothing to do with this horrific and deeply unethical area of employment, which cannot conceivably do anything in even the short term but damage your (theoretically) immortal soul... not to mention the ecology of our (theoretically) shared planet. 

With the best possible regards under the circumstances, and hopes for your eventual (if not swift) rehabilitation,

Diane Duane

PS: Please try to find an avatar that looks less like it was created by AI.

And also: please say to your heartless and conscienceless employers, on my behalf, "FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON."

[roach-works]

Why did wheat become a widespread staple crop given that it's difficult to harvest/transport/etc? This is not meant to be snarky or combative in any way, it's a genuine question. Are there any books you'd recommend for learning more about this kind of economic and technological history? Thanks.

sorry, i've long since forgotten all the actual books i've read about it, but i will always recommend This Guy:

also as very much a non-expert, my semi-informed opinion on Wheat is that growing complicated and difficult compared to going to the grocery store, and doesn't stack up very well to living in a food forest like north and south americans managed, either.

however, wheat is a grass, and grass grows in a lot of places that people also like to live in, and so wheat farming isn't as crazy a venture as it might otherwise seem.

in a lot of climates, it's possible to plant the grass, harvest the grass seeds, and store the seeds long enough to get you through the part of the year where there's nothing much to eat. if you manage your social and material technology right, you can store a lot of the seeds, and you can even transport them around before they rot, meaning you can now export the seeds from places where grass grows into places where it doesn't. the stalks of the grass that you can't eat provides food for the animals you need to help you grow the grass. and transport the seeds, too.

the social structure required to grow wheat in bulk (a steep and violent hierarchy) does three things: feeds everyone in it with enough extra that the guys on the bottom of the organization can survive to grow more wheat next year, and allows the guys on the top can sequester the rest as profit, consolidating their power. the third thing is that as land is converted to wheat fields, it stops yielding any other food but wheat, which locks people into the system for good. once a people depend on a staple cereal grain for their main source of calories, there isn't an easy way back: forests are chewed away for more wheat fields and those woodlands that remain are shifted towards hardwoods for agricultural tools, rather than food forests with fruit/nuts/shrubs, and even those maintained as game preserves still can't support the needs of entire villages.

in arid and semi-arid conditions, it's even harder to step away from dependence on grain farming because there the agricultural development is along rivers where the land can be irrigated, and the population of people supported by grain production is extremely concentrated into those small areas rather than spread across the entire biome.

in the northern parts of eurasia where grain couldn't be produced at scale because it was too rocky and too cold, people mostly went fishing, and when they grew stuff it was hardy root crops like beets and turnips.

DISCLAIMER: this is all very approximate. but now you know as much as i know.

P.S actually here's the last thing about wheat: it probably all started as a way to reliably source and produce beer, which was invented a long time before bread. bread was invented from wheat when the guys who were producing the beer seeds wanted to start exporting beer seeds to people who wanted beer far away, so they baked the seeds into tablets you could easily transport and then ferment with water once you got to your destination. eventually the traders who were transporting the beer kits started eating them, too, and crackers as a snack food really took off. look up the wikipedia article on beer if you don't believe me.

[neosprites]

Digital Stamp Making Tutorial

Hello, and welcome to the long-awaited(at least on my part) digital stamp-making tutorial from neosprites! I’d like to preface that I learned what I was doing from this tutorial so it may be a bit redundant, but if anything I get a bit more specific. Thank you so much to @graphic--horde for your work, it changed me as a graphic maker. This is gunna be a long post so feel free to bookmark it for later. Now, onto the show!

The frame I will be using for this tutorial (which is the frame I use on 99.9% of my stamps) I found from the above linked post, which I believe is from a creator that OP lost track of. Its inner dimensions are 94x50 pixels and its outer dimensions are 99x56 pixels. Here it is!

Find your material! - I recommend using websites like Tumblr and searching with the “GIF” filter only on, or alternatives such as Giphy or Tenor. Your browser may let you directly save the .gif file; if not and you are noticing it restricts you to save it as a .webp file you can try an extension like “Save webp as PNG or JPEG” (for Firefox but I image other browsers have similar functions, but I really recommend you switch to Firefox). To use this you will right click on your source .gif like normal but instead of clicking on “Save image as…” click “Save webP as…” and then click “GIF”. You should be redirected to the website ezgif.com where we will actually be doing all of our editing! Here’s the .gif we’ll be working with.

Convert to GIF (optional) - if you used the extension from the above step you should already be ready to click the blue “Convert to GIF” button. If not, go ahead and open ezgif.com and click on “webP” and then “WebP to GIF”; then convert to a gif with the blue button.

Resize the GIF - now that we have a gif ready to edit, let’s make it the right size. The easiest method I have found is to change it directly to the frame’s inner dimensions, 94x50 pixels. [EDIT: Make sure in the aspect ratio drop drop menu you select "stretch to fit" and not "center and crop to fit" like I did in the photo example.] Click “resize” and then type [94] in for the width and [50] for the height. Next press the blue “resize image” button.

Add the frame - next click “overlay” then click the thin blue button that says “Extend canvas size(use if overlay exceeds GIF sizes)”. This will give us some extra room to add the frame onto the design. Next click “Browse…” and find the frame you have saved onto your device, then click the blue “Upload image” button.

After that it’s going to be misaligned, that’s normal! It will say you have the option to drag it into place, but don’t bother. That’s one of the reasons my old stamps look wack, it’s just harder to do. Instead type [44] in for the Left box and [22] in for the Right box. It took me a while to figure out these dimensions to be honest, and I’ve only tested it with this frame so I don't know if it works with others. Then click the blue “Generate image” button.

Crop the transparent edges - click on “crop”. You will have the option to check a box that says “trim transparent pixels around the image” however, I don’t recommend this as it tends to crop a few of the frame’s pixels with it sometimes. Next, set the Left position to [44] and the Right position to [22]. For the other dimensions we will use the outer dimensions of the frame which are 99x56 pixels, this will trim everything except the tiny spaces in between the stamp frame’s spikes. Type the width as [99] and the height as [56] and click the tiny blue button that says “set”. After that click the blue “Crop image” button.

Save and use! - all that's left is to click “save” and upload the graphic to your liking. (best seen on dark mode obviously)

If you’d like to tag me in stamps you’ve made using my tutorial I would love to see them, but it’s not required!! Make sure to always give credit for pictures/gifs when you can and try not to make stuff out of personal/fan art. Thank you to the person in my inbox who requested this tutorial, I had been meaning to for a while but it was just the kick I needed. :)

[everpresence]

I was wrong.

over the last few weeks, i started heavily questioning my beliefs.

i noticed that some of my desires came in faster than other desires. some of them (as you may see in my recent posts) took years to reflect, but some of them got reflected so fast at the speed of light.

i’ve been told by various people that there’s usually a time delay for desires to materialize in the 3D, and for some reason, it resonated with me. that’s why i mention it in my answers because i was merely basing it off of my own experiences with the law.

but something clicked for me recently. i watched a video by missy renee, about why people haven’t seen their manifestations for years. i’m just going to put it out there that you don’t need to pay for coaching. there are a lot of manifesting coaches that don’t know what they’re talking about, and when you read source, it’s a lot more telling. missy renee is not one of those coaches. she has read source and has even applied those teachings into her life. if i have to recommend a coach for you to watch, though, it would be her.

anyways, there was a line that she said that i immediately wrote down because it caused so much confusion in me. basically, she said that the reason why we have yet to see things come to pass is because we are still identifying with our old beliefs — our old story — and due to this, we become double-minded. this double-mindedness is then perceived as the “time delay.”

in that moment, i slowly leaned back in my chair. it was an “a-ha” moment for me, but it was also a little harrowing.

how long have i held myself back from just accepting that i am the person that i wanted to be? how long have i been limiting myself, telling myself the old story over and over again like a broken record? more importantly, i’ve been telling other people that there is such thing as a “time delay” because i decided that i should experience the delay.

so when i wrote a list and just allowed my higher self to figure it out, some of them came in so fucking fast at the speed of light. it stunned me. that’s when i realized that i was holding a false belief.

i never thought that i’d be writing an apology post, but here i am. i’m holding myself accountable because i was the one that wrote that there is such thing as a “time delay,” but in reality, there isn’t. sure, you don’t have to be pitch perfect with your beliefs, but when this desire has no conflict with your beliefs — when you have no resistance, when you aren’t arguing with yourself about whether you have it or not — then there’s no delay.

i remember some people said that it should not take more than thirty days, and i used to think that it’s bullshit, but now i can clearly see that there is a reason why they believe this. it’s not even about the length of time, but about how frequent you return to the state. it’s all about you accepting that the person you want to be is who you are now.

besides that, i want this post to be a reminder that everyone’s beliefs are constantly changing. there is always going to be expansion, growth, an inevitable withering of the old beliefs and the blossoming of new beliefs the more we learn about how this all works. this is why i want people to go back to reading source, to not always take everyone’s posts as “truth” or “the gospel” because we are all still learning in the end. learning never ends.

edit: i don't mean to say all this for you to start focusing on the physical reality as your primary reality. i still wholeheartedly believe that this is merely a reflection of your beliefs, and ultimately, it is all about who you are choosing to be right now despite what it looks like.

[ineed-to-sleep]

Don't wanna be a bother but I bumped into ur touchstarved oc stuff and do you have any pointers for drawing in the touchstarved style? I can't really nail it down 100% but you do so... pretty please?

Hii yeah ofc, it's no bother at all no worries! You sent me this at the right time actually jsdhksd I'm in the middle of redesigning Emma right now and I've been taking a close look at the art style again, so it's all fresh in my mind!

Assuming you already have your design ready and have found a pose or composition you like, replicating the art style will probably come down to getting the lineart and shading to look similar.

About the lineart:

Probably goes without saying, but you'll need a pen with the opacity turned off to get the clean, ink-like lines. If you use CSP I recommend the default textured pen, which I think has a similar look, but honestly any pen will do.

The thing you have to look out for the most when doing the lines is the darkest shadows. It's a bit tricky to explain, and I think a lot of it comes with practice, but you have to look for the places where the darkest shadows would be, or where the light could barely reach. Once you spot them, instead of shading them you create a sharp shape and paint them black, like so:

I also recommend varying the thickness of your lines, but not at random. Instead, try to keep lighting in mind while you draw them. You could draw one continuous thin line for something, and then only thicken it where it falls away from the light, or where it'd create an occlusion, or wherever you want a shape to stand out from another. A thick line will essentially either "push back" or separate things in space, while a thin line will pull it forward or make things look like they're closer together.

You can also exaggerate the shadows in order to create more contrast. Like in the case of Kuras' sleeves and coat, for example- you could argue that some bounce light could still get in there, but with the shadows exaggerated it creates a really nice, clean shape. You can also separate these shapes from other lines by leaving a small space between them and the lines.

The metal might look a bit different, but it follows the same logic as everything else- your darkest shadows will be pure black. It might look like it has more shadows but that's just because it's more reflective, so the light is usually concentrated on highlight and bounce light areas, so the tones around those areas will be darker.

About the shading:

From what I've noticed, it's all about keeping it subtle and simple. If you color pick the characters, you can see the variation between light and shadow is subtle and not all that contrasting. Most of the contrast is done with colors, not values.

The light source is usually from the top right, characters are pretty well lit, and there's a little bit of a blue backlight from the left that helps them stand out against the backgrounds.

The shading is mostly sharp, cel shading, rarely blended. Wherever there's blending, it's usually subtle or a gradient

They also use gradations to indicate color shifts, like the colors in Leander's coat. You can do this with the gradient tool or an airbrush.

I recommend picking 1 color for light, 1 color for shadow, and maybe 1 inbetween midtone to use sparingly in places where you want a very subtle shadow. You can go more fancy if you're trying to create something that looks more like the game's CGs, but if you're going for the same look as the sprites, it's better to keep it simple.

You can shade manually each part of the character, or you can try using a multiply layer. For multiply, I like shifting the color towards a warm or pinkish tone and keeping it light and desaturated to get a similar look as the sprites.

Highlights are used very sparingly, only on a few places like the nose, mouth, eyes, and a few on the hair. Maybe occasionally somewhere else, but only if necessary, like in the case of very reflective materials like metal, gold, glass and leather.

The characters also usually have subtle textures on their clothes, and you can quickly create something similar by using a textured brush and an overlay or multiply mode. Like so:

It's subtle, but makes a difference in my opinion! You can try this with a lot of different textured brushes to get the exact look you're going for.

That's all I could think of right now! If you have any questions or wanna know anything specific I didn't mention here, let me know!

[topzsun]

YOU WERE RIGHT ON THE BORDER

── ♡ REN

Give me all of this, give me all of you. warning: while this fic is sfw, the source material is an nsfw game. hence, i do not recommend that minors interact.

The waves crash, and the cold sea grazes your toes before receding. Patterned movement, yet you watch it with utter fixation despite not having moved even an inch into shallower water. Ren idles beside you, but you’re sure he lost focus once you began to feel the heaviness of his stare.

“Are you scared?” He asks quietly and gently, as he always does with you. Early into meeting him, it had annoyed you. Maybe it was the suffocating gentleness, almost coddling and fearful. Perhaps it had been far too long since someone last held you without hurting you. Now, it’s his fingertips brushing against yours that keep you grounded. It's funny how much could change in such little time. You almost forget to respond to him, shaking your head slowly.

“No, I’m just reminiscing,” You muse, and when you see a sympathetic glint in his bluebell eyes, you reassure him by playfully splashing some water in his direction. The impact reaches up to his lower calf. The corner of his lip twitches before he lightly returns the favour. It barely goes past your ankle. Always afraid of offending.

“Ren,” He hums in acknowledgement. “Tell me about what your life was like before.”

You already regret asking when he doesn’t respond. Silence doesn’t fit him, but you’re also too anxious to turn around and see the expression he is making. Your lips part, a “never mind” on the tip of your tongue before he cuts you off.

“Nothing exciting…” He trails off, reaching a slender hand to scratch at the back of his neck. You aren’t surprised at his lukewarm answer, considering he avoided all conversations that centred on him as if it were the plague. However, it doesn’t dull the sharpness of our disappointment and frustration. Ren held you dear; only a fool could disagree. Praising every mediocre action, spoiling you at the sliver of an opportunity, and admiring you as if you hung up every star in the sky. It felt like he could read you like a book. Yet, you knew nothing about him. It frustrated you. To be adored, yet not knowing his best friend’s name or if he had a favourite parent. It’s not like he birthed into existence the second you moved back home to Corland Bay.

Leon often teased you were never good at hiding your feelings; your emotions always making their way to your face. Hence, it takes Ren only a second to collect himself from his mistake, stumbling over his words as he assured you he wasn’t being purposefully secretive.

“It’s okay,” You attempt to pacify him, but you aren’t even half as enthusiastic; your words are hollow and void of honesty. From the corner of your eye, you see him catch his bottom lip between his teeth, fretting and lost. His fingers curl inwards and out, itching to touch you.

“It’s just that it didn’t matter…” He mumbles, his voice so quiet it could disappear with the ocean breeze. He finally looks up, connecting his stare with you, and something cold goes down your spine when you notice the lack of shine in his blue hues. “Nothing mattered before you, and nothing will matter after you.”

The air seizes in your throat. Yet, it’s Ren who looks as if he is struggling to breathe.

[cripplecharacters]

Do you know any good sources for burn scar care?

I’m writing a character who was burned in a spaceship crash. The story is set several years after the fact, and I want to incorporate that detail into the story. What would a burn scar care routine look like?

Hey!

I generally recommend medical websites for this kind of stuff. There are tons of information readily available online, especially about things as common as a burn injury. Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors or MSKTC can be helpful for you.

While caring for a burn scar will be different for everyone (there's many types, degrees, plus just individual differences between burn survivors themselves) some of the things that you can include;

Burnt skin doesn't produce its own oils, so it gets dry. It needs to be moisturized, oil-based products (think coconut or grape seed oil) are often used. The heavier the lotion, the fewer times a day it needs to be applied.

Massaging a scar, especially when it's relatively new. It can be a massage, but stretching or just putting pressure on it is part of that too. It helps the skin from becoming extremely sensitive. Initially you do it delicately, but after the scars are matured it's fine (or recommended even) to put some force into it. This loosens them up.

Itching is a huge issue. Both massaging and moisturizing help with that, but if it's still causing problems then there are medications that could provide some relief.

Protecting the skin from the sun. All year, including cloudy weather. Sunblock, big hats, sunglasses if needed, all that. This applies to people with darker skin as well because the skin loses its pigment after a burn (it can sometimes come back but it's definitely not a guarantee).

Avoiding the heat. A lot of burn survivors will have problems with temperature regulation because burns damage the sweat glands, so they overheat faster. There's nothing burn-specific here, same protocol as for avoiding a heatstroke - drink water and keep out of the sun.

Wearing softer and looser clothing. Rough and tight clothes can cause blisters, and that is a Problem. Inappropriate materials could also induce more itching.

Taking pain meds. Chronic pain is common, so your character might need medication.

I definitely wouldn't say that this is an exhaustive list, but I think it's a good start. If you need more details, I think the resources linked above should work.

I'm glad to see people interested in burn scars being a disability that requires a lot of care rather than seeing it as a solely visual thing. Makes it much more authentic.

I hope this helps,

mod Sasza

[horrorknife]

because of shit like this i'm so Not Excited for the american psycho 'remake' which isn't really a remake but a reimagining of the book's events. it's in luca guadagnino's hands right now which already portends badly, even worse knowing that he's said he wants to make it "more erotic" which is a very confusing way to describe it!!!! there is a lot of sex and talk of sex in the book, NONE of which i would consider even REMOTELY erotic. patrick describes it like a soulless outsider, sex is an activity, it's not special and it is certainly not EROTIC????? sex is a Bad Omen in american psycho because it always leads to him yanking these girls apart and torturing them in really horrific and foul ways. like i don't think it's a good look! to say you're going to "eroticize" american psycho! that's like saying you're going to turn saw into a family friendly barbie movie for christs sake. mary harron saved us in 2000 but now that this is in a man's hands i am extremely nervous.

how do we feel knowing that one of the terrifier 3 kills is almost certainly inspired by one of the kills in the american psycho novel and it’s still not as bad as what was described in the book

[no-phrogs-in-hats]

Lifeboat 14

Pre-Avenger!Agatha x Pre-Avenger!Reader

Word count: 3,844

Chapter warnings: It's the Titanic; mass death, drowning, violence, non-explicit smut, reader vomits

Summary: Before you were an Avenger, you lived a much different life--one where you waited on hand and foot for the upper class. Being a stewardess, you've met plenty of fascinating people, but none more fascinating than first-class Titanic passenger, Agatha Harkness.

A/N: I was watching the new Titanic documentary and realized that's exactly how I want the reader and Agatha to meet. So I dug deep into my AuDHD and got out my books and looked up primary sources (both are linked below), and voila. Also I highly recommend listening to "Hard to Starboard", "The Sinking", and "Death of Titanic" from the Titanic soundtrack while reading this.

Link to the Titanic soundtrack

Link to Mary Sloan's letter to her sister after the sinking

Link to Violet Jessop's memoir

Information about Lifeboat 14

April 14th, 1912

8:00pm

You’re pressed against the wall of her first-class suite. Her hands grip and knead at the layers of your skirt as her lips brush down your neck.

“You left in the middle of dinner,” you breathe. 

“I know,” she groans, “but when you looked at me like that when lacing up my corset, when your hand brushed mine serving my tea, well…I just couldn’t help myself.”

Agatha Harkness is like no other passenger you’ve served. No matter what ship you’re serving on, first-class passengers are always the same: stuck up, rude, and petty. And yes, she’s stuck up, sometimes rude, and sometimes petty, but your position now and the genuine care she seems to show you, sets her apart from the rest. The Titanic is called ‘The Ship of Dreams’ and gauging where you are right now, you might just have to agree with that name.

“The Astors, the Guggenheims, not even the chairman of White Star Line himself can compare to you, sweetheart,” she husks. “To them, wealth is double-breasted tuxedos and imported cigars. You, however, are worth much more than any material possession.”

You let out a breathy moan at her words and her lips press into yours, tongue brushing against yours. “You need to get back to the dining room.”

Agatha hums against your lips, “Dinner’s finished in fifteen minutes, my darling. Time goes by quickly when you’re having fun, doesn’t it?”

You pull away, running your hands over her waist, feeling the boning of the corset beneath her dinner dress. Time does indeed go by quickly when you’re having fun. “I need to go,” you say softly. “Quite a few female passengers like tea when they return to their rooms, and I don’t think they’d like it if I were late…again.”

With a smug look, she squeezes your hips through the fabric of your skirt. “You’re right. I’d hate to be responsible for any misconduct on your part…again.”

In your ten years of being a stewardess, every voyage had been uneventful. Every voyage had been filled with the same routine–wake up early, eat breakfast quickly, serve breakfast and morning tea to whatever cabins you were assigned to, tidy the rooms, and whatever else was asked of you afterwards. It could be tedious and boring, but many times you were overwhelmed with requests–of course, though, a little magic never hurt while making the beds, and darning dresses always went by quicker with a simple spell.

But no matter how exhausted you were, you had always been obedient, always arrived in a timely manner. You were the perfect stewardess. Polite, willing, everything a servant should be.

But now, you’re falling.

You’re making careless mistakes. You’re being reprimanded two days into the voyage because you blanked on a woman’s request after Agatha Harkness, the most impossible passenger you’ve ever encountered, made a flirty remark about not traveling with a maid. And now, four days into the seven day voyage, you woke up in this woman’s bed–a bed nicer than any mattress you’ll probably ever sleep on.

“I usually have some spare time around eleven,” you say. 

Her hand comes up to hold your chin lightly. “Well, why don’t you meet me on the first-class starboard side boat deck at…let’s say, eleven-twenty, for a walk in the fresh air.”

“Just a walk?” you ask pointedly, smiling and raising an eyebrow.

“Just a walk,” she repeats, and tucks a piece of hair back into your bonnet. 

“Alright,” you say. “Eleven-twenty, starboard side boat deck.”

You kiss her lightly on the lips and rush out of the room to prepare the tea for the other suites. The next three hours go by so painfully slowly. They’re filled with laundry and darning and polishing shoes, and it doesn’t help that you’re looking at the clock every five minutes. 

By the time your duties are finished, and the women you’re assigned to have relieved you of your duties, it’s nearly eleven-fifteen. You hurry through the halls of B-Deck until you’re at the grand staircase, climbing each step quickly until you’re at the boat deck level. 

When you walk outside it’s just past eleven-twenty and the cold, crisp air of the North Atlantic burns your nose. Despite the warm lights on the boat deck, the ship is engulfed in an inky blackness, steaming ahead through an endless void. 

You spot Agatha almost immediately. She’s at least ten yards away, leaning forward on the parapet and looking out. Walking up behind her, your voice is small, “Hi.”

She turns around, her smile teasing, but the look of relief in her eyes softens her words. “I was beginning to think you had gone off to bed.”

“No rest for the wicked,” you muse, standing beside her.

The walk on the boat deck is slow and leisurely. Most passengers have retreated to the warmth of their rooms or the public lounges, and what remains on the deck is the crew. You look down the deck at the bridge where officers stand in the distance, talking quietly.

“There were six iceberg warnings today,” you mumble. “Apparently the wireless operators are stubborn asses when it comes to incoming messages from other ships.”

Agatha side-eyes you with a grin, her head held high. “Oh? And how would you know that?”

“A couple crew members are quite friendly with me,” you say matter-of-factly. 

“Fraternizing with your colleagues?” she teases. “So unprofessional.”

You laugh quietly as she takes your hand and pulls you up a short set of steps and onto the raised platform. Being backed into a small, hidden nook, you giggle, “I’d argue that this is more unprofessional.”

Agatha kisses you lightly and her hands hold your waist. “And what is this?”

You open your mouth to respond but all that comes out is another giggle, “I…don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” she chuckles.

“I don’t,” you smile, kissing her again. Your next words are soft. “But…I do know that I want t–”

Three bells ring out and your blood runs cold.

It all happens in less than a minute.

“What is it?” Agatha asks, noticing the startled expression on your face.

“Three bells,” you mumble. “There’s something up ahead.”

You listen for the commotion that would be just yards away on the bridge. Your ears feel like a cat’s, turning in every direction for even the slightest bit of sound. And then you hear it.

“Hard-a-starboard!”

Officer Moody’s familiar voice shouts out in the night and a domino of other officers’ voices repeats the command. With the bridge being in your sight, you focus your eyes down the deck, watching as officers hurry over the bridge in the chaos.

“We need to get inside,” you affirm, adrenaline rushing your gut and making you nauseous as you take her hand. You rush the both of you toward the platform stairs, but when you’re at the railing you’re forced to stop.

The floorboards beneath your feet start to shake and the railing you’re holding onto begins to tremble in its divots. As Agatha braces herself beside you, hand still in yours, you look up–the night outside of the ship is vast and endless, but it’s disturbed by the towering figure of an iceberg. 

It’s at least a hundred feet above the waterline, looming over the boat deck as the shaking slowly comes to a stop and pieces of ice litter the well deck. On the bridge, just in the distance, you can see Officer Moody standing as still as a statue and you notice how quiet it’s become.

“The engines are off,” you say, finally stepping down the stairs. You make the walk back to the first class passenger entry and when you’re back in her room you throw open the doors to the wardrobe and toss her a life vest. “Put this on and go back up to the starboard side boat deck. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

You don’t give her a chance to respond, simply leaving her with a kiss on the cheek and rushing out the door. You turn right down the hall of B-Deck, quick in your steps as you go from room to room, knocking on doors and rousing sleepers.

You have to practically beg them to put their life vests on. Most have no idea what’s happening, and in truth, you don’t know either. “Unsinkable” is a hard standard to live up to.

On your way to C-Deck, you almost run straight into the ship’s builder, apologizing profusely.

“Mr. Andrews,” you begin, your voice trying to keep steady as you notice the rolls of maps and blueprints tucked under his arm. “I saw the iceberg. The ship is sinking, isn’t it?”

He looks at you and his eyes are soft, almost pleading with you to not make him admit it aloud. But he relents, “The mailroom is afloat. Five compartments are flooded. Don’t cause a panic, but you need to get a life vest on and wake the other passengers. Get to a lifeboat as quickly as possible.”

“Yes, sir,” you say quietly, and watch as he rushes down the grand staircase. You continue through C-Deck, informing the other stewardesses of the situation at hand.

“Don’t cause a panic,” you tell them. “Captain’s orders–have them put on their life vests and go to the boat deck.”

By half-past midnight, you’re almost running through the halls. Crowds of passengers have formed at each landing of the staircase and you and other service staff hand out life vests to anyone without one.

“Ma’am, please,” you beg one woman. “It’s Captain’s orders. You need to put on a life vest”  Most of the passengers are convinced it’s simply a drill and you witness another woman send her own maid back to her room to start a fire and prepare tea. 

It’s almost ten past one when you finally make it to the boat deck, starboard side just as you told Agatha. Your life vest provides no protection against the freezing air, and your breath comes out in bursts of white clouds as you look desperately over the heads of unruly passengers. 

The deck has fallen into utter disrepair. Passengers push their way into lifeboats while others fall from the ship’s edge into the frigid water. Officers shout commands and seamen yell at the men trying to force themselves into boats, but through it all, the only thing you’re worried about is finding Agatha.

As you run through the crowd, pushing through people and tripping over ropes, you catch sight of Mr. Andrews one last time. In your few days of knowing him, you had never heard him raise his voice–and this time was no different, even in the midst of panic.

“Number five only had twelve, Mr. Lightoller! Twelve!” he huffs. “These boats are built to withstand the weight of sixty-four men!” When Officer Lightoller surrenders to the argument, he nods and Thomas Andrews begins helping him load more women and children into the boat one last time.

And still, as you continue, Agatha is nowhere to be found. By the time you’re on the port side, the ship has a noticeable list and there are even more people than the starboard side contains.

“Agatha!” you scream, voice raw with desperation. “Agatha!”

But from what you see, the majority of the passengers on the port side are second and third class. So many thoughts swim through your head–finding Agatha, getting a lifeboat, helping passengers, it was all so much.

You’re aft now, and push your way through the crowd. “Officer Lowe!” you shout, trying to get his attention through the deafening sounds of metal-on-metal and rocket flairs exploding mid-air. “Officer Lowe!”

He looks up, calling after you, and you run over. “Is there anything I can help with?” you ask, and he reaches forward to help you in the boat.

You begin helping the second and third class women and children into the boat. They’re hesitant, but seeing you so level-headed placates a few of them. Children curl into their mothers’ sides, wrapped in blankets and some holding stuffed animals. It takes almost fifteen minutes to fill the lifeboat.

During the process, a man jumps into the lifeboat and immediately hides under the seats. Thinking he was about to get away with it just as the lifeboat was being lowered, Officer Lowe stops the crew and retrieves his revolver.

“Leave the boat!” he commands. “I’ll throw you overboard!” When his words don’t work, he directly targets the man’s ego, “For God’s sake, be a man! We have women and children to save!”

And those words work, as he seems to finally leave the boat and await his fate on the boat deck. 

Officer Lowe stands tall as you hold a crying child. Below, on the A-Deck promenade, tensions rise and passengers start climbing through the windows in an attempt to get on the boat. Lowe takes his revolver and fires three shots into the sky.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Passengers in the boat scream and on the promenade people run in different directions. Looking to your left, the ship’s tilt is much more obvious–water is up to the forward deck and just shy of flooding the well deck–and upwards the boat deck was becoming further and further away.

As the boat is in its final five feet, you’re jolted forward. The aft end of the boat has stopped lowering and the bow doesn’t stop until it reaches the water. The passengers in the boat, all leaning to the side on one another, begin panicking and screaming out. 

Officer Lowe and the other seamen on board take out pocket knives and saw away at the thick ropes holding up the lifeboat. When they snap, the boat drops down and water starts filling the bottom.

 The hole in the hull isn’t too big, but water floods in quickly and passengers draw their knees up to their chests as the water rises. By the time you and another woman find a spare life vest, the water is ankle deep. Officer Lowe hands you a pocket knife and you slice it open, digging out the cork material and wrapping it back in the canvas fabric to force it in the small hole. 

At around eight inches, the water stops rising and you can finally let yourself breathe. With nothing to scoop the water out, all that you can do is sit back down as the Able Seamen row away from the boat. And as you get further and further, the water is up to the A-Deck promenade. You grab an oar, not only wanting to be useful, but wanting to focus on getting away rather than the horrors on display in front of you. 

When Lowe checks his pocket watch next it’s almost two-fifteen in the morning. The bow of the ship is completely underwater now and it’s only sinking faster. Screams are heard even at the boat’s distance of almost 200 yards, and as passengers swim over the sunken bow, metal groans and the forward funnel falls forward.

The screams get louder as the ship’s bow sticks further and further out of the water. In the boat, mothers shield their children’s faces, holding them close beneath blankets. You continue rowing even as your arms become sore and tired, but everyone–even you– in the boat stops everything.

The ship is at a 45 degree angle.

All lifeboats have been deployed.

The lights on the ship flicker.

They grow dimmer as the seconds go by.

And then the ship groans. The metal cries.

The middle section of the ship begins fracturing in multiple places, and as the lights finally flicker one last time, it caves in on itself. 

The entire middle of the ship sinks below the surface, following the bow down to the ocean floor. As the stern separates from the rest of the ship, it falls back into the water, crushing the passengers beneath it. It’s pitch black, but you can make out the silhouette of the ship, now sticking out of the water at a 90 degree angle. 

Lowe shouts more commands to continue rowing and you only make it about ten feet before the water floods the stern of the Titanic and the pressure pulls it down. 

The rowing ceases. 

The night is a pit of black tar, with the only light being the stars above you. The screaming feels endless. 1,500 people are just 150 yards away, fighting for their lives in the middle of the North Atlantic. 

And there’s only one thought on your mind: Agatha.

All you can think about is her being in the midst of it: clinging to a floating chair, her lips turning blue–those soft, warm lips that are now trembling in the cold–and the worst thought of them all, suffocating and freezing from the inside out because of how cold the water is. 

You huddle side-by-side with another woman, sharing a blanket with her. It’s only been an hour since the ship went down, and your teeth are chattering. With Agatha still on your mind, you lean over to Officer Lowe. “I think we should go back for the survivors.”

He mulls it over for a minute. “Let’s wait for it to quiet down.”

And the screams are slowly fading. Minute by minute the strangled cries of the stranded passengers quiet, and eventually, they stop all together. 

It’s eerie and off putting. It’s the worst silence you’ve ever heard. It pulls at your gut and you lean over the edge of the boat and vomit. The older woman beside you rubs your back and takes the oar from your hand. 

“Here, sweetheart,” she says softly. “Let me switch places with you”

Lifeboat 4, 10, 12, and collapsable D are the closest boats around. The woman who took the oar from you helps row the boat toward them and passengers are dispersed evenly. From 14, you help Lowe transfer the women into the other boats, and when you help a woman who turns out to be a man in disguise, you make no move to help him when Lowe pushes him into the lifeboat.

While the other boats begin rowing in the direction of the rescue ship, you remain in lifeboat 14 with Officer Lowe and the two Able Bodied Seamen. Despite Lowe telling you that you’ve done enough, you insist on coming. You genuinely want to help, but deep down, if Agatha is out there, you’d rather find her yourself than have someone find her for you. 

Officer Lowe pans his flashlight across the field of bodies. “Oars!” he calls. “Be careful,” he says softly now. “Don’t hit any of them.”

You can hear the struggle in his voice as the boat continues forward. “We’re too late,” he sighs. “We waited too long.”

With your own flashlight, you peer across the expanse of floating bodies, looking at each one to see if it’s Agatha. And as you do, and you make eye contact with the lifeless, frozen bodies, you regret wanting to do this. You’re queasy again, looking at their faces frozen in time, hair solid with ice crystals. You swallow the bile that’s risen in your throat.

Four people are rescued from the water. 

One of them doesn’t make it.

But you still tend to them. You wrap them in blankets. You make them as comfortable as possible.

With the mast of the boat now up, the boat sails through water easily. In the near distance, collapsible D is slowly bobbing through the water and when you reach it, Lowe and the man in charge of D tie them together.

The sun is just peaking above the horizon when collapsible A is spotted–on the verge of sinking with around a dozen people clinging to it. You help row 14 to collapsible A and when there, the men clinging to it are exhausted. 

Your limbs ache with fatigue and cramp from the cold, but you don’t stop until you’re met with the Carpathia around seven o’clock. You never thought you’d be so happy to see the sun, even when it’s blinding you with its early morning rays. But seeing the Carpathia bathed in the golden light and reflecting off the water, you have a new sense of gratitude for life.

Inside the ship, it’s warm, and that cold ache in your bones begins to dissipate. The adrenaline is slowly leaving your body and you slowly eat a breakfast of hot broth and bread. It warms you, easing your upset stomach from the previous seven hours. But the only thing that will placate you is seeing her.

Knowing that Agatha is okay.

You accept a blanket from a stewardess in exchange for your life vest and wrap it around yourself. You walk around the ship, searching through both the first and second class groups before going back out to the boat deck with the third class passengers. By now, you’re in complete disarray. Your bonnet is missing, your hair is frizzy and sticking out of its pins, and there’s a tear in your skirt.

You wrap the blanket tighter around your shoulders as you lean against the railing, looking out at the ocean as the sun finishes rising. There’s passengers from the Titanic all over the deck. Many of them are crying and praying that their family is alive and that the officer is simply wrong.

But you, you stand by yourself. Four days. You had only known her four days, but you wouldn’t trade those days for all the money in the world. She wasn’t in the water, she wasn’t with first or second class, and somehow, you’re at peace with it. Even as you cry quietly, you’re at peace with it.

You’re okay.

You’ll be okay.

“Hi.”

You whirl around, eyes puffy and red with tears. A choked sob forces its way out of your throat and you run to her.

You run. 

You throw your arms around her neck, blanket encasing you both in a cocoon of warmth and tears. Her hand cradles your head against her shoulder, arm wrapped tightly around your waist as you sob uncontrollably. “Oh my god–I–Oh, Agatha!”

She shushes you quietly, “It’s okay…”

“Where were you?” you sniffle, not looking up from her shoulder. “I–I couldn’t find you.”

“I know,” she whispers. “I know, I’m sorry. I’m here now.”

When the Carpathia arrives in New York City on April 18th at nine o’clock, it’s raining. 

You stand on the forward deck, embracing the feeling of the cold rain on your skin when Agatha comes up beside you, shielding you with her umbrella. You lean your head on her shoulder and the both of you watch as the Statue of Liberty slowly comes into view.

“Do you want to come with me?”

The question is abrupt and you lift your head. “What?”

“When we get off,” she specifies. “Would you like to come with me?”

You smile softly, “I think after this week, I could use some time away from being a stewardess.”